June 2, 2010

My husband and I woke up bright and early (although, technically it was so early it was dark outside....) My husband and I woke up dark and early one morning in January. He was leaving for training again. He would be gone for one month, in California, for CAX. We packed his heavy gear into the car and drove to the base, where we waited for a few hours together before he had to leave. After our last hugs and kisses, he walked away, and that all to familiar feeling of "this sucks" came over me. But, I tried to be optimistic, as always, knowing he would be back again very soon. I went home. The next morning, for reasons I can't even explain, I decided to take a pregnancy test. I didn't even suspect I was pregnant, I don't know why I took it. Because it was there, I guess. I took it. I left it on the bathroom counter as I went into the other room to get cleaning supplies to start my intense clean of the apartment before my flight the next day. Upon returning to the bathroom, I picked up the pregnancy test. Two lines. Two. TWO lines. I squeeled with excitment. I couldn't believe it. I wished I would have taken it the day prior, so my husband could have been home with me when I found out. But, that was not going to damper my spirits. I sent him an e-mail immeditely. A few hours later I shared the happy news with our family. I was so excited, and so happy. I went about my day feeling a way I had never felt before. I loved my husband even more than I did before this happy news,which I didn't think it was possible to love him more! I was cheerful, I was feeling great. I flew to Canada to visit my family while Kyle was at CAX, and it was great to see everyone. Everyone was excited and happy for Kyle and I. My sister, mom and I bought lots of baby clothes, blankets, and supplies. I had my first doctors visit and had some blood tests done where it was confirmed. I was indeed pregnant. A few days later Kyle was finally able to check his e-mail. He e-mailed me back and told me some of the sweetest things he ever said to me. He was so happy. We both were! At the end of a great month, I flew back home to Jacksonville. A few days after I arrived, my husband was home. I went to the base around midnight to pick him up. When we saw each other, big smiles were on both our faces. It's always great when he comes home!! The months after, everything was great. I had pregnancy symptoms, but nothing too bad. I felt awfuly tired, aches, and had some weird feelings in my tummy. Everything was bliss. Until February 17th. The morning started out fine. We got up and had a quick breakfast, took Kyle to work, and came home, as usual. Later in the morning, I started to have light bleeding. I thought nothing of it, as I knew this was very common in early pregnancy. As the day progressed, so did the bleeding, and so did the pain. It didn't get very bad until evening. I called my mom and sister, crying, telling them the bleeding wasn't stopped. Kyle and I decided to go to the hospital. By this point, the pain was so bad I could hardly move. I wanted to scream. There is not a word for the pain. It hurt. Very very very very bad. Kyle drove to the hospital, and when we got there, we waited. We waited. We waited and waited and waited. Finally, they got us into a room, where we waited. Eventually, I had several tests done. One of which was an internal ultrasound. The entire time I was praying that the baby would be okay, and maybe there was just some complication. Suddenly, during the ultrasound, I heard a noise. A heartbeat! I thought everything was fine. The baby was okay. Until, after about 2 minutes of me hearing this noise, the nurse told me it was blood rushing to my ovaries. Not a heartbeat. Thanks for letting me know, because the sounds are identical. After the ultrasound, we waited more. We were there from 6pm the previous day, until about 10 in the morning. The doctor came in and told us the news. Which, of course, we had already figured out 10 hours ago. My heart felt broken. We drove home silently. We went to sleep, all day. Kyle held me closer than ever, as we slept. I knew he was upset. I don't think he was having as hard a time as I was, because he didn't have any emotional connection with the baby like I had. He hadn't felt the baby move, it wasn't inside him. He was sad, but I think he knew that I needed him to be strong. I was having an extremely difficult time, and if it weren't for him, his support, kindness, and his love, I don't think I would have gotten out of bed for weeks. The next day, Kyle's dad and his twin brother arrived for a visit we had been planning. Kyle and I both didn't feel that great emotionally. Physically, I ached for about another 2 weeks. Sometimes the pain was so intense I had to lay down and sleep, and other times it wasn't as bad. Regardless, we both said how happy we were to have family there during that time, and it helped us stay positive and keep our mind off such negative thoughts. Not that we ignored what happened, but we didn't feel like, with Kyle deploying so soon, constantly dwelling on it wouldnt be such a good idea. We had a lot of fun with our family!
Shortly after all this, Kyle was deployed to Afghanistan. Of course, I wish we hadn't had a miscarriage, but if it had to happen, I'm thankful it happened when he was home. I never blammed myself for what happened, and I was never angry with God. I only wondered why. It was easy for me to see Heavenly Father's love for us during this time.

My sister and her baby, and my mom flew down after Kyle was deployed. We took a road trip oon our way to Canada. We stopped at Church History places, all through the USA. It was so much fun, and really great to see all these places. In one place we were visiting, I got my answer. The people who had owned this store that we were visiting, had expiranced 6 miscarriages. They were good friends with the Prophet Joseph Smith. Joseph Smith told them the following quote, after they suffered the loss of losing another child...

"The Lord takes many away, even in infancy, that they may escape the envy of man, and the sorrows and evils of this present world; they were too pure, too lovely, to live on earth; therefore, if rightly considered, instead of mourning we have reason to rejoice as they are delivered from evil, and we shall soon have them again." - Joseph Smith